Well, dear vintageophile, I am in the final week of my facial abuse and I have hit an all-time low: I have Mo envy.
When I began my foray into growing a facial wilderness this year, I felt quite confident in my moustache-growing abilities. Hey, this was my second year of mo-ing; I was, in my mind, an old hat at this malarky. I wouldn't go so far as to say that I was smug, but I was most certainly complacent. In my complacency, I was fully prepared to have others admire me and my 'oh-to-be-so-stylish' growth. I even had lines prepared for what I would say to people when they commented in awe and wonder at my whiskers. What I wasn't prepared for was to be confronted by mo's which, to be frank, relegated my own facial furniture to a league of lesser growths and left me feeling wanting (much as Hungary must have felt after the Treaty of Trianon).
Village People tribute band audition?" being one of my particular gems. But to my horror, as I stood up and gazed about the room, I noticed at least three other men with well defined Mo's amongst the faces glaring back at me which were far more impressive than mine. Suddenly I found myself gripped with pangs of Mo envy which rendered all attempts of facial hair hilarity null and void! This is the dark side of mo-envy.
Of course the biggest challenge with the growing number of Mo's about is spotting a faux-mo from a pro-mo. You will, no doubt, remember my all-too-recent issues with the Cotswold Pro-Mo which has taught me that it is no longer acceptable to walk up to the mo-bro who passes you in the street and comment wilfully on his tash in the hope of assuming some superficial bond under the auspices of lip-hair. The danger these days is that what was, once, the faux-mo could well be a pro-mo and such forwardness could cause offence. I have, therefore, decided to adopt the outward physical appearance of a pro-mo (by donning such trappings as tweed and a flat cap) in the hope that any faux-mo's out there will envy my audacity and any thereby reverse my own pangs of whisker inadequacy. I have found that this sartorial decision goes particularly well with walking around Christmas Markets (even if it does generate unwanted attention in public conveniences).
Do I really have to shave on Saturday?!